


He knows

by ace73



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Gen, Homophobic John Winchester, I'm Sorry, John Winchester Being an Asshole, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, SO, and shit because i'm a shit writer, because there's enough pain in the world, but!, it's sad, just canon John, there's something sweet at the end, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:21:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28754280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ace73/pseuds/ace73
Summary: A fic inspired by @halfofmysoull on tumblr and John's journal entry on Dean's 17 birthday (the gay nuns).
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted on my tumblr: @i-do-know-and-idc  
> I'm not a native speaker so if there are any blatant misatakes, please let me know!  
> To overcome the sudden urge to strangle John Winchester, I wrote this. It's sad. Enjoy.

_He knows_.

For Christ’s sake, _he knows_.

_He knows_ , you think, as you find out, as _you know _about them, and the love they held for one another. They defied God, and they were found out, and for that they were punished. If you defied your father, and he found out, you’d be punished, too.__

____

_He knows_ , you think. This is the punishment.

____

“How. How does he know?”, you ask yourself as you get behind the wheel of his car. You’ve been careful. You’ve been so careful! Your gaze would never wonder, you’d never let it. You wouldn’t flirt, you wouldn’t smile too eagerly. All of your shame would be concealed smoothly, just like the dark shadows would be concealed under the eyes of girls you’d go out with.

____

(All of your shame is dark and clear now, just like the eyeliner on his eyelids that you’d kiss, hiding behind the school building; stark and shiny, just like the sliver earring in his earlobe that you’d bite teasingly while he chuckled. “It tickles”, he’d say in his defense, and you’d do it again, just to hear his laughter, as slivery as the metal you’d taste in your mouth.)

____

_He knows_ , you think as you find their graves, and you remember the last time he was disappointed in you. The time you disobeyed, the time you forgot what your job is, what it always was and always will be. The time you almost let your brother die. He looked at you differently, from then on, and you couldn’t stand it. You knew you deserved it, but it still stung.

____

This is worse, you decide, because _he knows_.

____

_He knows_ , you think as you watch the flames, and you tell yourself the tears in your eyes are just due to the smoke that makes the night alive with its warm-toned, bitter cloud that plumes from the grave and vanishes in the dark sky. You wipe the wetness of your eyes away with your hands; the graveyard dirt that’s under your fingernails and in the cracks of the skin on your palms smears on your sweaty nose and cheeks.

____

You are dirty, now and always, and _he knows_ about it.

____

_He knows_ , you remind yourself as you don’t dare to meet his eyes in the motel. You shower, hoping it removes the dirt from your skin, and from your soul, but water can only do the former. You think maybe tears could, as you cry, your sobs dampened by the running water.

____

They don’t, and nothing can, because _he knows_.

____

You keep crying anyway, until you have to stop and go to bed.

____

You can’t sleep, because _he_ who lies in the bed across the room, just a couple of feet from you, _knows_.

____

***

____

A long time passes before your next lonely hunt and you hope that he forgets, but you know he won’t and you know that it’s because _he knows_ , and nothing can change that.

____

_He knows._

____

And you, as always, are helpless.

____


	2. Chapter 2

_He knows_ , you think.   


_He knew,_ you correct yourself, twenty-five years later, as you lie awake on the couch, with your lover’s thigh pressed against yours, as he falls asleep, lulled by an old western that you made him watch, his trench coat spread neatly on both of your laps for warmth.

 _He knew,_ you remind yourself, one last time, before you let it go and **smile**.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a treat ;)


End file.
